If I could read my 2 little sisters mind’s. They would probably be asking why my mom isnt around to give them love. How my mom cant be there when they are watching tv, because she is out doing “Paperwork” for the divorce she just had. They would be wondering why the moms on T.V. give their child so much love, and play with them, and laugh with them, and just be there for them, they probably wonder why our mom isnt like that, or they could start feeling like they did something to make my mom not do that stuff with them.
If I could read my MOMS mind, then she would probably be saying how sick she is of everything, how fed up she is of us because all we do is come home, and play games, or watch tv, and I wish I could make her not feel like that. I try talking to her, but she never really initiates a conversation with me, with anyone really. I see how my friends mom’s talk to them, make jokes with them, laughs with them, I can SEE the connection between them. But if I were to see my family, from a different point of view, I would see sadness, a family trying their hardest to stay strong. A lost boat in the sea. That is what I feel like. That is what I dont want my two little sisters to feel like. I try to prevent reality from hitting them, to wipe a smear of color in their drab life, like putting a rainbow filled glass pane over this state of reality. To many personalities in one family. Its really hard to keep focus on how I am feeling, when I constantly wonder how my brother or sister are feeling, because my mom is never here to ask how our day was. It all basically leads up to my mom, she isn’t here to teach us, to let us learn, shes just not here. Mentally or physically. It is like she is trying to live her life as if my dad never met her, like going back to that state of mind, right before she met my dad, right before having six kids and forever going down as a stay at home mom. I do feel bad for my mom, but its time to stand up, and be a GOOD mom. I do see a glimpse of hope in her eyes from time to time, but its not enough to withstand the hurt and loneliness she feels. It damn sure isnt enough to make up for her absence in the house. An absence. Almost as if she is the daughter, and Stephanie is the mom, I bet that is how Stephanie feels like. She is probably secretly mad at me and my mom for throwing that role at her, making her a mom so soon. Sometimes, an action can lead you down a road of constant redundancy, and the only way to break up those feelings, is to do something drastic to make you realize, you arent stuck in that mind state forever.
Sometimes when I am sitting. Or walking, my brain just goes in overdrive. I constantly think of moments that have happened and people I have talked to that day. I like to talk to myself a lot also. Its very entertaining to make yourself laugh with your own sense of humor because you always “Get it”. Ya know?